Sunday, July 31
page still hates me, i think. i went out the whole day and didn't care for her properly. just refilled her water and chucked her under my bed heh heh heh. my mother thinks it's hilarious but i insist it's convenient. not that she approves of her sleeping in my room. page is in her cage right now, snoozing on my table. yes the cage takes up more space than my piles of work combined, but i don't care, it's my equivalent of having a dog snuffling around my feet or sitting in my lap. she barely eats. i wonder if she has an eating disorder. let her play downstairs in her ball while we were having dinner. parents have not objected to anything so far. this is amazing. well maybe they pity me because i was so down after losing my phone. or they're just scared i'll get worked up, have a huge headache and cost them a bomb!
do not ever bring a group of 7 year olds to a scary place. the lower sunday school went to labrador park today. i went along to take charge of my class [the primary 1s]. they were more or less fine through tunnel 2. okay i forced them to hold hands and walk in front of me so that i could keep track of them. but at tunnel one it suddenly got colder and darker and there were the simulated sounds of bombs dropping.. and one of the girls freaked out. she clung to my hand, then clung to my waist, and eventually hindered my movement, so i gave up trying to reassure her and just picked her up. she was so scared she was trembling like a rabbit. imagine me carrying a [thankfully small sized] seven year old through dark tunnels with simulated sounds of bombs dropping overhead. wonderful. plus i had to manoeuver the other children around with my legs since i had to wrap both arms around the kid. when we stopped to look at some artifacts, an adult took pity on me and offered to carry her. i got sat on quite a bit as well. and the p3s were so naughty!! defiant and unco-operative. for some reason, when they refused to obey me, i almost blurted out, 'drop ten!' but i remembered they're from the sunday school. heh. horrible children! persuasion does nothing, and they know my threats can only be empty ones.
tempted to poke page, but i'm afraid she'll resent me for waking her up. the cage is colour coordinated blue! blue wheel, semi-blue tunnel thing she sleeps in, porcelain food dish with blue designs, and a blue bottle! yay!! it's so nice to have something of my own to care for and love. i don't care if she resents me now for taking her away from her littermates, she's gonna have to love me someday =D comforting thought eh. jean, having page around has made me happier than i've been since january. =D thank youuuuuu. *huggie huggie*
it must've been love.
7:04 pm
xoxo
got a hamster. and lost my phone. in that order. my life is in shambles. i am distraught. this is not over-reacting. i've lost everything. pictures. sweet old messages i could never bring myself to delete that i will never be able to read again. half-written poems stored in my outbox. that voice recording of the day we spent at chris's house before she left. numbers of friends i may never meet again. what can i say? don't ever be too happy, because the fates get jealous and steal your happiness away.
jean bought me a hamster. her name is page. because she's an adorable white dwarf hamster with some blackish line down her back. like words on a page. jean thought of the name. i was going to name her snow white. hahahah. i thought she hated me because it took us forever to catch her in the cage. but we were pretty sure we wanted her. the other white one was like a ball of fur. characterless. this one, on the other hand, had loads of spunk. i hate boring things. and animals. they'd better either be entertaining or smart at least. yes i am unreasonable. got a problem? so right now page is snoozing away on her wheel. i was kind enough to get her a wheel because i didn't want her to be sad and lonely. trouble is, she won't leave it now.. but she doesn't hate me anymore. she's stopped squeaking whenever i try to carry her and she hasn't bitten once. she just trembles a lot. she must be the first living thing [janet included] to hate my scent or something. ah well. at least now i'm not the only one breathing in my room. and when i wake up i can play with her and push away all guilty thoughts about my phone.
don't feel like taking the kids to labrador park tomorrow. so tired. a bit drained. plus tons of work to do. but it's my duty to. so i'm just going to have to grin and bear it. if i play the cards right, the world would never know.. i can't shirk.. can i? i've shirked from almost everything in hwachong. skipping school regularly on mc. skipping school functions. everything. i wonder why i feel no committment to it. it's not my school. just this place i'm forced to go to. i can't explain. do i even need to? i like page a lot. she doesn't care that i'm a lousy student or that i'm fat and ugly or that i can't ever get anything right. she won't care just as long as i feed her and wash her cage and treat her right. i think there's a lot to be said about unconditional love. when i grow up, i won't even need a soulmate. a dog will do. rather fond of golden retrievers. i think i'll get one. it's late. this is goodbye.
it must've been love.
12:36 am
xoxo
Friday, July 29
woke up feeling as shitty as ever. having trouble breathing these days and i fall asleep by just closing my eyes. standing up. decided not to go to school. like it makes a difference even if i do. i'll just sit next to janet at the table in the morning and ignore her guy. then yawn during flag raising. stare at the clock all through the lessons. twiddle my thumbs. i like it much better when i stay at home and sleep all day. dreams are my reality.
my mother insists i am problematic only because i am a mel-chlor. i am destined to be sad and troubled all life long. what the hell. sometimes i get the feeling that i'll never be happy again because i've used up my quota.
chris got my parcel. YAY!!! =D =D =D
i love you!!! heh heh. i don't care if you sound les, or if i do. please appreciate the gloss! i tested several shades on the inside of my wrist that day at the risk of looking as if i have hickies! and the rose got kinda squashed. whoops. notice i didn't declare it. hell, i only declared 2 items because it was so darned embarrassing. don't forget to show me pictures. i really wish you were here. and here's a fact. if you were here with me, in singapore, in hwachong, in my class.. i
know i'd find the strength to attend school more than 4 days a week. i'd do my hwk. i'd study. because you'd be with me. you'd never leave me to fend for myself. i'd never be alone. but guess what. i'm here. you're there. will i ever see you again? do you remember melting the wax outside 1e2 at the end of the year? and that picture of us.. we were always laughing. i thought you were pretty darned cool when we first met. you were the monitress. and so responsible! remember how we joked about you becoming such a delinquent as the years went by? ex-assistant head prefect in primary school eh. hahaha. when we're old and greying.. do you think we'll still be friends? please don't name your kid after me. i sort of hate my name. you may use my chinese name though. it has poetic connotations. maybe your kid will turn out every inch the romantic we've always been. hahaha. remember us making beaded necklaces? and you can't cross-stitch for nuts! hahah i still remember your mulan piece. follow instructions, girl! sigh. i haven't eaten ruffles in ages. it somehow loses the fun when you're not there to binge with me.
stupidpoundingheadache. i cringe every time i take the foul-tasting medicine. i have to take it twice a day for 3 months. good grief.
dance with me, this dance of death.
it must've been love.
9:30 pm
xoxo
Thursday, July 28
chinese doctor's a hoot. he said my heart is burdened. and if you tell me to loosen up and let go, i'll rearrange your features. don't just tell me to 'let go'. let go of what??? if you mean to look forward and stop thinking abou the past, i just can't do that. even though it's killing me literally. how can i let go of the only years, the only times whereby i was ever truly happy? i'd rather die this way then live without ever laughing again. i'm just gonna have to find a way. a year more, and then this will be all over. we'll never be together again. you'll all run off to science. and i realised something. maybe what i do doesn't really matter to me. it's whom i'm with. i could've done spa, i suppose. as long as you're with me. i guess i can do anything. i just need you.
about a ton of homework. econs tutorial. chinese jian bao. chinese compo. study for chinese test. read up for hist essay before mdm tay scolds me again. i know there's something else but i can't think of it just yet. ah yes. math.
shit. forehead's burning up. it's the medication. i told my mother. she says if i really need to throw up, please do it in a plastic bag and try not to mess up the house. how sympathetic. i've been too sickly this year, she's immune to my torture.
it must've been love.
8:59 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, July 27
watched a bit of charmed on tv after getting home from the clinic. going to see the chinese doctor tmr after school. all the western doctors ever do is give you more medicine, and i'm tired of feeling like a pillbox. really tired for no good reason. walked up the overhead bridge and ended up panting. pathetic. just. exhausted. slept 8 hours last night, got no work done. feeling darned cold. the fan and air-con are switched off. trouble breathing. maybe this diet thing is a bad idea. even though i lost about 2 kg in 1 1/2 weeks. guess it is kinda drastic, but i'm the sort of person who puts on and loses weight quickly. still, i'll take that medicine to induce precipitation after i see the chinese doctor. argh stupid splitting headache.
i'm getting a hamster!!!! =D =D =D after more than 2 years. i remember crying my eyes out when brat died. well i'm going to get another hamster and name it pookie, the way i always wanted to. finally convinced my mum while waiting at the clinic that i'm sad and lonely and depressed because all my friends are MIA and janet's attached. besides, maybe i'll be inspired to come home if there's actually something to come home to? something to take care of and love, and be utterly, entirely mine. then i can talk to it!! =D yay! i shall go pick one out soon. =D and keep it near me and love it and i'll never be alone and sad ever again. :)
finding it hard to eat nowadays. forced half a bowl of porridge down my throat but felt nauseous. decided to eat some biscuits. very very full now. all this for - what? i don't know how my sister can stand it. i look at the way i eat and i feel sick. but i guess this is the only way to achieve what i set out to do.
it must've been love.
9:11 pm
xoxo
Monday, July 25
bleaugh. more agonizing! i worry that i get this twisted thrill out of agonizing over nothing. for janet, yes, it is nothing! absolutely nothing at all! i've been in agony over a big lot of nothing! but yet. ah well. oh oh oh but oh! how do i say this? i don't dare. nevermind.
did i ever tell you exactly what you mean to me?
our minds are such silly things. maybe that's why i go with my heart, and crash and burn anyway.
sorry i was so quiet today. i'm trying to pay attention in school now. i actually listened during econs and hist. yes. what a great achievement. so if i'm quiet or shush you, please try to understand.. i don't want to retain. and i don't like knowing i'm doing worse than others.
the balm on my wounded ego though: i did okay for gp essay. 35/50. at least i don't feel like a complete failure. i'm just about threequarter-way to being one.
i'm writing you a letter now, and i hope you get it soon. i hope you smile as wide as the heavens when you open the box, and i hope you shed a tear. i know you don't cry, but won't you try for me?
this is why i sound les? sometimes i think i'm beyond feeling any emotion, and then something happens to prove me wrong.
i'm not sure what i'm afraid of. it being true, or.. not. i never really know what i want, until i throw it away huh. there's a name for all of this - regret. i remember someone once saying that i'm probably the sort who goes through life regretting three quarters of the things she says and does. guess what. i think she's right. if i stop living now, i could cut short all that regret. but would i regret it?
it must've been love.
10:29 pm
xoxo
Sunday, July 24
i'm confused. and scared. just a little.
ever since you left, i haven't been able to study. i don't know why, i can't explain it. i don't do my homework. i can't seem to care. and every day when i take the bus home, i try to get on a 961 cos that's what we used to take. and i remember how we'd sit or stand if the bus was crowded, and talk utter bullshit. sometimes we discussed more important things than bullshit. by the end of four years, i guess we weren't even speaking english anymore, since no one ever seemed to get what we were saying. we don't talk on the phone while doing homework anymore. or exchange books and watch movies. is this why i hardly ever budge from my position in front of the computer? i turn it on as soon as i reach home, and hardly leave it except to play the piano. i don't know what i want. there's no tangible goal for me. i'm not in the best class anymore. it's an accepted fact that i'm not smart or hardworking and my mind's somewhere else half the time. i guess there isn't any point in hoping wildly that i'll ever find someone else like you to be my buddy. is this what growing up means? that we'll always have to be alone? people die, so love them every day. beauty fades, so look before it's gone. love changes, but not the love you give. and if you love, you'll never be alone. remember? watch us grow up, grow apart. watch them fall in love. always watching. never doing. i need a goal. some motivation. throw me a bone, dangle me a carrot. where's my pride, when i need it the most? you always told me my pride would be my downfall. i think you were wrong. my greatest fault is that i care too much. those who have no emotional attachments to other beings seem to survive just fine. i want a hamster. yes. i want a pet. i can't have a dog. but why not a hamster? i'd love it. i'd care for it. i'd hold it and tell it i love it. i'd play with it and never let it be bored. it would be mine. and then maybe i'd be able to study harder. get off this damned com. do my work. because there would be something else besides me breathing in this room.
it must've been love.
7:55 pm
xoxo
Saturday, July 23
i am bored to tears. literally. i'm such an idiot. i actually lay on my bed without moving for the longest time ever, and when i got up again, a few tears rolled down my cheek. that's when i slammed my head into the wall and now it bloody hurts. i truly am a fool.
bev said my prose is better than poetry. she's kinda correct i guess, since i've been writing prose since i was in p1 [thanks to the education system] and poetry only since p5 [songs, more like] or sec1. i'm kinda fond of my latest piece of prose. cupid's minion. :P so shameless. it was one of those pieces that you can't control. to be honest i was trying to write my chinese compo in english. it ended up very very different so i changed the front to suit. trying to figure out how to make poetry more poignant. cogs in head have jammed.
beautiful songs on the radio. i can't empathise with people who behave like blocks of stone when they hear songs that make me want to cry or maybe die. i just can't understand how they can just sit there morosely. then again, they probably despise me for utter lack of control over my emotions.
i know what it is you want to hear. but is this how you want to hear it?maybe it's more accurate to say that i know what it is you'd have wanted to hear, once upon a time. and i could never say it this way. i don't know why. ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies. i'm not going to ask. i can foresee the ending before i even embark on the journey. so i'm just going to stay rooted here safely on the shore. ships can come and ships can go, but my ship is never going to come with my pearls.
enoughhhhhh. i must stop. recieving pictures from people. twiddling my thumbs. it takes so long to send stuff over msn i get grumpy.
i wonder what i would do if i were in this position. supposing one could choose, would you rather love more or less than your other half? i used to think i'd like to be in control, that i'd like the ball to stay in my court, that i'd like to be the one walking away tall and proud. which means loving less. there'd be love, definitely, but controlled love. but i thought a bit last night. what if someone were so dependent on you it started to strangle you? i'm guilty of loving too much. guess i'm even a little needy. am i actually admitting this? my brain must be getting porous. wouldn't it drain you to have to give so much of yourself? and what if you ended up feeling guilty because no matter how much you loved, you could never match up to the kind of love being showered on you? how does one measure love anyway? by the hugs, or by the kisses? by the sheer weight of carrying it about, or the amount you'd give up for it? don't get me wrong. i believe in love. strongly. i believe in right and wrong, it's just that perceptions and situations differ. i just don't know how i would handle things outside of theory.
why do your fingers look more wrinkled than your wrists?
it must've been love.
11:32 pm
xoxo
i swear, it felt like i had a hangover this morning. i don't know how i know, never having been properly drunk before. but still i only crawled out at past noon. this is what i get from being overly happy and then staying up writing til past one the night before.
genuinely meant to be productive, but it's raining and weather has this effect on me.. nearly broke my neck fixing my blinds.
this diet thing is going nicely. lost a bit of weight. =D okay fine i decided to ask someone and she verified that i've lost a bit. noticed this after my skirt became puffier and longer. when the hc skirt becomes puffy, it means you're not wearing it at the waist where you're supposed to. not that i ever did. but the lower it drops the puffier it gets. everyone's been complaining my skirt's too long and loose. whoops. hahaha. if i can drop another skirt size i'll get a new skirt. =D what a beautiful goal.
ooh spanish guitar is playing. i love it. i love it. i love it. if you send it to me i'll try to love you too. i cannot imagine life without music. but i can't imagine life without sight either. can you imagine never seeing another puffy cloud again, never watching the sun rise in all its topaz glory? and yet, can you imagine never having your heart ache with inexplicable pain from hearing beautiful music? it's like living without love. i can't imagine loving romantically. it must be painful. am i putting up yet another shield?
fastfastfast -faster than the speed of light. i wonder if you can read my mind. i'm afraid you might. don't you see, i'm lying to myself? please don't believe me. i don't know what i feel. i don't know what i am. i can't help it, i'm too easily swayed. i might pull you into this dance of death with me.
we're nothing but two sleepwalkers in the same dream.and who's to say it cannot be? the only boundaries are in your mind and mine.
it must've been love.
4:27 pm
xoxo
Friday, July 22
just reached home. waiting for my sis to get out of the bath so i can get in. today - ahhhh.
agonised for the entire morning over something i will not repeat. lit was horrible. got back pc. remarks went something like 'first paragraph was fine, but intepretation became more narrative after that... and writing is not up to your usual standard.. blah blah' during the lesson i'd needed to pee. after getting back my paper i wanted to puke blood, die
and pee. ahh life. mdm tay picked on me. :( sorry i'm so bad at history. but you don't need to tell the whole class i don't study! then got a msg from the new cl regarding some girls not having belts. dashed out of math lect to make a few phone calls and sneaked back in half an hour later. dashed out fifteen minutes later to pick up another phone call. needless to say, extremely high level of adrenaline was intoxicating.
vank: you're a beautiful dancer. i consider rhym gym to be a form of dance, so yeah. your starting and ending poses for clubs rocked!!!! =D =D =D tee hee i'm so glad for you. even though i couldn't stay.. sorry the taxi had arrived. but i hope you liked my rose.. and note..
speech day. bwong ran in a little late, and we had a short tiff over who was sitting at MY place. needless to say, i won. naturally. but she decided that if we were wrong afterall, she'd just need to dash up the centre aisle if they called her name. ahhaha. modern dance was horrible. i mean, they've got so much talent, which choreographer came up with the brilliant idea of hiding that talent by making them dance like sluts? any tart can swing her legs around and stare amorously into the crowd. they've got so much more than that. mrs lee would never have allowed it. this principal is too slack. i am surprised that mrs khoo allowed them to dance for speech day. maybe in jc we would write it off as creativity or whatever. but in a
christian secondary school? they are so young! it would be like staging a play celebrating homosexuality.
jean made a wonderful speech. of course i think so, it was her speech! hahaha. the little write up before her speech was hilarious. the girl was practically spouting her life story about how caring and considerate and christian yaddayadda she is, and i was thinking, 'that's my best friend!! hahaha' yeah. then when she mentioned her class.. woooohooooo!!!! =D okay i get a bit incoherent hmm. lots of picture taking, yadda yadda. ate at macs after that. superbly fun. =D =D =D i can't stop smiling =D =D =D i only feel this way around you girls =D =D =D and i didn't want to leave because i wanted the moment to drag, i wanted to hold on to it forever, as foolish as that sounds.. i just wanted time to stop. and rewind. play those few precious hours over again. stop. rewind. again and again and again.
you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains.. you raise me up to walk on stormy seas. i am strong when i am on your shoulders. you raise me up, to more than i can be.
it must've been love.
10:53 pm
xoxo
Thursday, July 21
a picture paints a thousand words.it was crazily cold in hwachong.. and then crazily hot in st. marg's. i think i'll fall sick from all the extreme weather changes.
my sister ate all my biscuits. which is good. i'd have gobbled them up otherwise. i'm pretty happy with myself today. did not overeat, which makes up for yesterday. =D all i've eaten so far: two slices of bread, a sausage, a few fries, two packets of jacobs biscuits, a bit of liz's cookie, two chicken wings and some veg. oh no it does sound like a lot when put into words. but at least i avoided fat-packed canteen food! woohoo! =D huiying and i plan to bring low-cal soup powder to school and make soup to drink instead of enduring high-carb canteen food.
lots of random thoughts running through my head.
van, good luck for tomorrow. i'll be praying for you. i hope you get your heart's desire, whatever that may be. remember that you'll always be my star.
i'm trying to remember that surge of adrenaline, and my heart pounding wildly in my throat, every nerve strained.. i'm trying to remember how hard it was to open my eyes, because everything thought i ever had would come flooding out through the windows to my soul. i'm trying to remember what it was like to run sobbing into your arms.. once upon a long time ago.
sentimental crap! why is it easier to write what i feel than to say it out loud? easy to blame it on someone else, something else. i don't want to accept responsibility for my thoughts and actions. it's easy to claim someone's practicing deconstructionism.
shit! i lost that little scrap of yellow paper with everyone's names and colours.. shit shit shit. *stomps around* hope i can remember everything correctly..
what am i to you - little, much or nothing?
it must've been love.
8:46 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, July 20
sickening feeling of a migraine throbbing in my head. plus the nausea that comes with it. i probably sound like a pregnant cow. oh well. skipped school today due to the above. head still pounding but i know my mum won't let me miss another day.
did nothing much but sleep, eat and read. oh and work on the thing. it's three quarters done. i hope everyone falls on their knees and thanks me for my effort. especially joan kang, who was supposed to be helpful, at least.
the masseuse commented on my butt. i think a diet is in order. plus exercise ie pe. oh dear. why oh why can't i have a nice small flat shapeless butt like everyone else? throw in pencil-thin legs too. there is something wrong with our society.
bored bored bored. feel-good week was successfully carried out. i now make another resolution! [that i will keep] i will not overeat and i will not sink into depression!
shit candy just told me my econs marks. i got 7/25 for my essays. whoops. ahhahahahhaha shit i'm such a jackass. someone tell me why i'm in hwachong again. is it too late to transfer to yj or something? if i get an f for lit now.. i'll have eeof. oeef. fooe. foee. feoe. feeo. ofee. eeof? my marks don't even make sense!! hahahhahaa. i am trying to convince myself that eeof isn't really that bad, because i technically fail only one subject.. right? hell, i passed chinese! i deserve a medal for that! see i am trying not to sink into depression.
i can't decide if i should just let myself feel stupid and beat myself over the head with my lousy results [the direct consequences of
not studying more than a day beforehand except econs which i am exceptionally untalented at] and hopefully hate myself enough to do better, or just try to make myself feel better, lick my wounds and get the same results.
WHY is life about results? i shouldn't judge my worth on results. not that i do now. i'm feeling pretty cool about it for some reason. this is bad. i should drown myself. i should judge myself based on what i get. i am worth nothing. okay, right now i'm worth eeof. read: so little that it doesn't even form a word. i don't dare tell my mum. my sister got her usual 4as and an a1 for gp. thank God she doesn't take chinese or i would really jump off a building! i should hate myself more. okay, i'm off to do my econs homework and stab myself in the cold lead fist-sized organ i call my heart.
it must've been love.
8:25 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, July 19
didn't do swim pe today. heh heh. luckily we didn't get cs but i'll have to do pe next week. i think it'll be the time of the month though. breaking out like crazy. how gross. school was -boring. borrowed the blazer under pressure from my mother. when i tried it on at home, i discovered the sleeves are a little short. i think they gave me the smallest size! i shall change it tomorrow. how embarrassing, carrying it around. they won't scold if i chuck it in a little bag right.. to be discreetly handed over in exchange for a size bigger. breakfasts are becoming increasingly uncomfortable [for me] because jan's guy doesn't get up til we're practically moving off anyway. and my suspicions have been confirmed! my eyecandy is les larh. with my senior. thank you annie for the tip-off. might have known i could count on you.
in a valiant attempt to improve my mood, i shall re-paint my toenails after tuition. and buff my nails. and then get math tutorial 4 done. argh it was due yesterday.
who am i kidding, i could never be satisfied with anything. you could give me a rose and i'd want a star. give me a star and i'd wish for the sun. then i'll fizzle and die on the sun. where do you draw the line between dreams and self-destruction?
it must've been love.
7:10 pm
xoxo
Sunday, July 17
just watched minority report. head reeling a bit. will not bore everyone bringing them through my entire thought processes.
homework status: undone. let's see. lit worksheet for a book i have not read. math tutorial 4. i'm positive i've done it, i just don't know where i put it. yeah, right. i'll just copy it in econs lect tomorrow. i guess i should run off and read that book now. emma tennant's hotel de dream. sounds fascinatingly deep. shuckkkks.
chris just called. this is so exciting. TO HELL WITH HOMEWORK. yay chris rocks!!
it must've been love.
10:30 pm
xoxo
Friday, July 15
thoroughly impressed with myself. besides tonnes of undone (and copied) homework and other miscellanous things, i managed not to sink into depths of self-loathing. well, lesser depths. hell, i really am an idiot sometimes.
hmm today.. got back chinese. HAH!! you would never believe this. guess what. i passed chinese. heh heh heh. 52%. cool eh. haven't had such grades for chinese school papers ever since the good old primary school days heh heh. psst. the only reason i even passed was because i got 50/70 for my chinese compo, which joan claims sounds absolutely mel-ish. read: heartwrenching romance. actually, the teacher was lenient. but i spent 15 mins arguing with him because he seemed to think i'm a lesbian! i ended my essay by saying that the girl was me. as in, the girl he liked. unfortunately, he rearranged my sentence to read that the
girl whom
she liked was me. hmm!!! my eyebrows shot up sky high. but after spending a considerable amount of time explaining the concept, he changed my guy back into a guy. heh.
met joan. back aches. considered strangling her once or twice. there was a hilarious scene (in my opinion. the twat didn't get it) that looked coincidentally akin to one of those dramatic scenes out of a korean tearjerking serial. and then there was the trek back to the mrt that involved getting our white-based shoes dirty..
one more week to speech day! i'm looking forward to seeing everyone! can't this week just fly past and past and bring me face to face with the day i'm waiting for? all these needless, endless days.. just let them go, just let them disappear.
photocopied more than 100 pages of music scores. yes this is illegal. i am a poor student. spent over an hour trying out the songs just now heehee. there's something about the lilting tunes of the piano...
it must've been love.
10:50 pm
xoxo
Thursday, July 14
sleeeeepy.
had a yummy dinner though!! spicy seafood tom yum soup =D ended up with sexy red lips again from the chilli haha. so fun meeting with mellie again!! i miss us!! =D heeeeeeee. nvm we'll meet again next week.
whoa spent an hour talking to ms ho. my knees really ached after that. nowadays they hurt if i stand for too long. doctor said they're weak, and i should exercise. but i'm lazy so this is the price i pay. luckily she was more receptive today and we managed to settle a lot of matters. phew it must have been cos mellie was there. normally her face turns blacker than charcoal when she sees my face. oops too bad if i'm not the chirpy bubbly sort huh. at least i get guides stuff done. don't talk about hwk.
kinda zonked from all that brainwork. i think i'll sleep soon. sorry this wasn't anything much. never is these days huh. guess i'll copy math tmr. honestly, zonked.
i saw her today. how can you not know whom i am talking about? she was right there! talking to annie! with our senior. ahhhhh meeeee. be quiet about this though. i'll die if our senior knows or even suspects. hell, i just need something to look forward to, some entertainment. even though i don't even want to know her. it's just.. inexplicable. and fun.
it must've been love.
11:16 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, July 13
hmm recieved the invitation today. luckily. i guess it's good that i've had about one week to beat myself over the head for not doing better. so i don't get to wear the gown -a lifelong dream- but i guess i won't fade entirely into oblivion. so yay, thank God! =D
had a pretty good lunch with mari and aman today =D i think we sat there for 2 1/2 hours? wonderful butts we have. yeah, i guess it's pretty reassuring when silence can be comfortable. gosh we're pretty crappy. haha. but the food sucked. bleaugh. do not go to the stop cafe near school. food is terrible. honestly.
bumming around as usual. was reading my sister's chicklit book.. just friends. it's pretty okay, pretty predictable. shall do gp homework soon.
when you try to be happy, life gets kinda predictable. you just sail along blissfully unaware.
i've always kind of disliked too-happy people. you know the sort. the irritatingly chirpy sort who never ever think about the darker side to things. hell, don't they make you homicidal? hopefully i won't morph into that.
swim pe for our class this term. it sucks for a variety of reasons. firstly, hello heavy bottom, goodbye self esteem. :( the school is very mean. they want to wreck all our self confidence by making us wear overtly revealing swim suits for 1 hr 20 mins every week. i am going to have my period very very often this term.
oh dear my sister's friend just walked into my room. very short spiked hair, huge hwachong pe shirt and berms. wonder since when my sister had such friends. anyway my sister introduced her as 'the timtam girl'. whoops. she must've told her i call her that. hahaha. she provides us with yummy timtams from australia. anyway i was sitting with my legs propped up, and my underwear drawer was open!! and she was standing right next to it! oh dear. hhahha. having created the ultimate glamorous first impression of myself, i rest my case. oh she says i look a little like my sister only i wear glasses and my sister uses a hairband. oh well. hooray for nerdy little sister.
it must've been love.
9:14 pm
xoxo
Sunday, July 10
this day is ending in a rather better manner than it started.
i insist on being the village chief. and forcing joan to plant veggies and kill chickens while i lounge around.
there is a reason why love is a four-letter word. still, i lo*e you.
it is nearly midnight. i wonder what tomorrow will bring.
they say you shouldn't make resolutions - you'll never keep them.
therefore, instead of a vow i'll break.. i pray.. i pray that God will help me seek out the best in the worst and the silver lining in every damned cloud.
and sometimes, it's easy to fool myself that one can live on happiness alone. i can imagine it. the sheer euphoria keeping me going from day to day. but hunger would cut that euphoria short, wouldn't it? i'm an escapist. there's this quote from anna and the king: [thai girl] how did ma'am survive? [anna] just as you will - one awful day at a time.
i love being random, but it is utterly useless in this practical world with its rules and regulations.
it must've been love.
11:58 pm
xoxo
i know i promised to be happy this week, but i think i've got pre-monday blues. watched 4 discs of friends today, trying to hunt down the episode where rachel kisses her ex-classmate. apparently it's not in the season i borrowed. ah well. how does one solve monday blues? or pre-monday blues at that? cause for sorrow: monday's a 440 day. and guess what, i get to spend only about 15 minutes in the morning with janet. :( maybe a bit less cos i have to grab my econs stuff before school starts. i've really enjoyed the weekend. lounging about, in no hurry to do any work. doing what i want to do. and with the dawn, all that will evaporate. forced back into the ratrace. back to feeling never good enough. back to feeling cold and dead inside. sometimes i wonder if i've been crying so much for no reason this year because chris leaving screwed my cycle, or because i'm just trying to convince myself that i'm not dead inside. this really isn't cheery is it? well i thought of a few points to make myself feel better: we might continue watching jane eyre in lit. i might catch a glimpse of someone. something funny might happen in school, i might laugh and mean it. maybe the food will be great for once. hell, maybe, just maybe [and who's to say, why not?] i'll get swept off my feet by someone and get my happily-ever-after. why does my life sound so sad put into words? nononono must be happy must be happy.
i had a yummy aero chocolate bar today! that was yummy! =D i ate it while on the phone. hahaha i bet joan never even noticed i was eating, she's so dense. heh.
what do you do when you find you have no reason to live? fly to africa and be a missionary? start a charity? how do you find purpose in life? get a hobby? what the hell? maybe.. fall in love? that's the whole cause, reason, whatever, isn't it? just to get a kick out of life. have someone to msg til late at night and know that you'll start again early in the morning. someone to whisper sweet nothings to, and giggle over inside jokes. someone to hold you when you're cold, and make you feel like you're someone special.
shutupshutupshutup.
happy thoughts! think pretty pink and blue thoughts!!
oh God. i have none.
it must've been love.
7:41 pm
xoxo
Saturday, July 9
i'm sorry.
ally: i may as well stop denying it. yeah. it's you. but it's not your fault. it's mine. all mine. you've done nothing wrong. it's just me feeling insecure and retarded. i'm sorry. i really am. i'm such an idiot. it's my fault. don't stop. you're good. better than me. please forgive me. and please kill me.
jean: i'll be there.
serene: no matter how angry i was with you yesterday, i'll still love you. guess we've got too many differences to live peacefully for more than a few months at a time, but we can still work things out like we've always done. remember to call me tonight yeah?
bev: if you only knew the price mortals have to pay for happiness. be careful not to flaunt your joy, heaven might get jealous.
van: i guess everything is just an illusion, and we can never know our destinies. fate makes such fools out of us. just sail, sail along.
chris: i know you will understand this without my explaining. it is titled 'solitary observation brought back from a sojourn in hell', by louise bogan.
At midnight tears / Run into your ears.jan: you remember us talking about how a person needs three hugs a day to be happy? years ago, when hugs flowed freely and we walked about, arms linked. well, these past 6 months, i can count the number of hugs i recieve in a school day on one hand. i hold up no fingers.
i remember vaguely that one happy week a few months ago. i resolve to make this week happy. nothing, nothing is going to get me down. it's all a matter of perspective right? well. i'm going to look at the bright side of things for once and convince myself that in a course of a lifetime, nothing will matter except the little happy things.
it must've been love.
2:06 pm
xoxo
Friday, July 8
i feel so sick thinking about everything. around here, i just want to puke blood and die. really. oh God.
jean: i really want to be there for you and everyone else. really. i clapped for four years.. but only one thing is stopping me now, when it never did before. my pride. i'm sorry. give me a few more weeks. i'll swallow my pride then. and i'll be your biggest fan. i'm sorry. i just can't promise it now. it's all too much just yet. you know how i feel about things. how i'm never good enough. even now. trying and trying to earn my way to heaven, but always sent to purgatory. you know what i mean. life is a facade, and heaven's laughing at us.
a few years from now, i'll laugh at my hormonal self and how intense i am. it was better some time ago. then all of you left, and i reverted to my old, intense self. laughing over trifles, crying over naught. the sky was red last night.
it isn't what
is that matters; it's what
seen. blame it on the world. to hell with it.
it must've been love.
9:54 pm
xoxo
i guess this was meant to be one of those awful days from the start. got back int hist paper today. silence is golden. i guess i should starting being organised huh. well.
reasons why today was awful:
1. i think i'm losing interest in pc. oh gosh. now i really have nothing in my life but air and more air.
2. int history results.
3. saw my eyecandy cuddling with my senior at the classbench. they looked so sweet together. -sniff sniff- i don't care if they're just friends, they still look sweet and i miss hugging everyone. :(
4. found out that because i only got 6 distinctions, i won't be wearing the gown. i'm not too sure about the coming back part. and serene, if you think that's very funny, keep it to yourself. if you don't care that i'm upset, i don't care either. not that joan was very sympathetic, come to think of it. oh to hell with it. what's the point of doing relatively okay if in the end even those who did worse get the credit that you'll never get? people with seven a2s. my last hope for some sort of glory. i know i'll never get any sort of chance. i mean, hwachong? dream on. i actually studied for o's. not hard enough according to my mother, but i don't care about her. if you think it's hilarious that i don't get any recognition because the school counts by distinctions not a1s, then okay whatever, you don't have to laugh in my face right.
5. and then i felt bad about feeling that way. but still, to hell with everything. when bev called i actually said the f-word, telling her how annoyed i was with everything. have i ever said that out loud before? this shouldn't affect me that much huh. it's nothing. probably just a slip of paper. but i never win at anything. i've figured something out. all i ever have to do in life not to get something is to want it.
but in keeping with what mrs lee taught, i'll think of the good things as well.
1. somebody wasn't at the table when i met jan this morning. it's nice to be able to talk to her, just the two of us.
2. i didn't have to stay for the whole programme.
3. met up with joan.
4. met up with jp and prav.
5. watched a disc of friends, courtesy of liz. thank you, by the way.
6. there's fairly good music on the radio.
there the good outweigh the bad. in terms of numbers. but that's all that ever seems to matter these days right? i am such a twit. don't you hate me? i hate myself. why do i care about these little things? i really want to see everyone. i miss 4/6. i miss you understanding. i miss you holding me. but when i need someone, you're all gone. and i stare at the phone and try to remember what it's like to hear our laughter.
chris. i miss you. my room is so empty now. i have too much food to eat on my own. my bed's too big when i'm not fighting with someone for space. and where's the fun in making a pot of jasmine tea if you're gonna have to drink it alone? i knew i would miss you, but i never knew missing you would be this hard.
it must've been love.
8:30 pm
xoxo
Thursday, July 7
ahh today. what was meant to be a blessed day of relief. sigh. i really am going to do my chinese hwk and pass it up in the morning. really. gp.. we'll see. chinese oral was dreadful. honestly i am such an idiot. got back 2/3 of econs and all of math. :( i refrain from complaining because i fear being beaten up. i guess we've all got different expectations. like if i get d7 for chinese, as long as i am not at the losing end because of it, i guess i can swallow that. hell, i swallowed entering hwachong with the lowest chinese marks. guess i can handle a repeat performance of that in nus. accidentally msged a junior on my way for guides. i meant to msg jan regarding my math. but you see the junior's name is jane, and my finger slipped. arghhhh. i knew that was gonna happen someday. i should stop msging janet very personal things. such as my marks, and random things like 'oooh! the girl with funky hair just smiled in my direction!' [this was applicable 3 months ago] and yeah. heh heh.
donkey years down the road, i'm no better at starting fires. well for one i'm really terrified of getting scolded for having a dirty skirt so i didn't dare get down flat on my face even in my tshirt. sat around outside the guideroom after that chatting with a couple of juniors. hahaha. it was quite funny. kinda reminded me of how we used to sit around inside or outside the guideroom after school.. sometimes just us pls, sometimes with the yas. and totally crapping. haha. 'those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day.. ' heh. they said jc sounds fun. guess it sounded fun to us too when we listened to our seniors talk. know how the 'grass is greener on the other side' theory can be proven? well. that's always the case huh. but to be all cynical and pessimistic.. i don't know, what's the best method?
i've got a splitting headache from the smoke just now. was ignoring it for a few hours but now it's unbearable. it'll be fine though.
why does everyone seem convinced i'm fierce and scary? :( teachers always think i'm so sweet and softspoken and demure. until some guy pisses me off and i scold him upside down in class. what a way to ruin reputations.
you would never ask me why my heart is so disguised.. i just can't live a lie anymore. i would rather hurt myself than to ever make you cry.. there's nothing left to say.. but goodbye.
it must've been love.
7:26 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, July 6
i've been watching your world from afar.. i've been trying to be where you are.. and i've been secretly falling apart.. i'll see...
lit sucked. brain died. i am furious with myself. truly, truly furious. but not enough for self-mutilation. that can come later. chinese - first time i wrote a love story in chinese! hahaha it was very simple though. went something like.. there was this guy who was very nice and kind to everyone, especially old ladies. although he was poor, he always gave everyone beautiful birthday presents. one day [of course i used yi ge feng he ri li de zao shang! i couldn't find it in the dictionary, so i hope i wrote it correctly :P] i was at the market when an old lady started shouting. i ran after the thief. he slipped on a fruit skin [forgot what was banana in chinese] and i caught up with him. whereupon i became speechless, because it was that guy! [obviously] and [thanks candy for this tip] i felt a few drops of rain fall slowly on me [what's shoulder in chinese?], like the tears i could not shed. heh heh. and he took a step forward, touched my hand gently with his, and told me not to cry. heh heh. then he told me his whole sob story about how he started stealing to get money to buy presents for this smart and pretty girl whom he liked. then the cops came and as i watched him get into the police car, i thought, so this is the person he really is. [or smth like that] and my second last sentence was, ta jiu shi wo [she was me] heh heh heh heh heh. can you believe i took 1hr and 15 mins to write that?? i was checking the damned dictionary for every other word. tadah! my first chinese love story! heh heh heh. since when did i degrade to publicising my very bad chinese storylines online? heh.
pissed off at hwachong. i'm bloody tired, i haven't done my gp holiday hwk [missing, suspected lost], i
have lost my chinese hwk and they are both due tmr. =( andddd.. drum roll please.. there's no day off. nope. zilch. no marking days. they hate us lit / ao chinese girls! the pcme people *cought*janet*cough* finished on friday and have been enjoying themselves thoroughly, but i don't have time to do my hwk! argh! or rest properly! double argh! all right so my exam timetable was slack enough to allow me to start studying for every single paper except econs the day beforehand.. but hey, where're our marking days? i told my mother school is a waste of time. i didn't tell her it's because i sleep in lectures and daydream in tutorials, copy my homework and don't give a damn about more than half my class. unfortunately, mission Skip School The Day After Blocks had to be abandoned thanks to gce 'ao' level chinese orals. i'd love to say, to hell with it, but according to my mother [unreliable source, civil servant] nus is a pretty good school [if mr big shot lee says so, why don't his kids study here? oops this blog
is locked right? otherwise, read tmr's headlines: hwachong student defames prime minister on online blog! what the hell.] and in order to get into nus, i need to pass chinese. ah well.
howhowhow did my gp homework disappear?? i have spent the last half hour very productively thinking about how best to utilise my time tomorrow. chinese lesson: rush chinese homework, appear very innocent and remorseful, ask for oral tips. if he says smile more, i will cry. lit: pay more attention in lit since i've screwed lit for blocks. econs: heh heh heh time to start paying attention in econs! break: grumble about the weather and reminiscise about how it's always boiling and blowing hot air in st. marg's to no one n particular. lit lecture: watch jane eyre? i hope! hee hee young jane is so hot with her cropped hair! i am
not being paedophilic, you twit. it's called appreciation of beauty. go sniff glue. math: see who's the new math teacher heh heh attempt to pay attention. normally attention span wanes by then. wait,
what attention span? gp: try to talk less. oh wait. my whole plan will be screwed up if they return papers! oh no! i'll be depressed and moody and crabby. be warned. avoid me if papers are returned. ooh. i do hope i don't get too stressed out trying to do two things simultaneously tomorrow. oh dear. i haven't lit a fire in donkey years, and it's been about the same amount of time since i've tied proper knots. oh dearrr.
my sister got 4 a's for blocks. the only reason she didn't get 2 distinctions for her 's' papers is because there were not exams for them. she got 80smth for math and bio. didn't hear about the rest. you know, it was easier to cope with her being a genius when i was in st. marg's. cos back then, i could say, ohhh you know, rgs gepper / rj freak.. no biggie, they're all smart freaks there. heh heh. well now i'm in one of those freakily smart/inthiscasenerdy schools so i can't pull the ohh you know it's normal there things anymore! darn. i told this to her just now and looked properly sad so she offered me some 85% coccoa dark chocolate. it is very bitter. she's going to london and be incredibly successful there too. so maybe it's time i got my act together.
identity theft! i feel like my identity is being stolen. ask me no questions and i will tell you no lies. don't bother guessing either, you'll be barking up the wrong tree. what defines you as a person? i've been thinking about that. how i can feel like my identity is being stolen, when it shouldn't be.. should it? like.. let's say i'm this girl who likes to draw. and well, i've got my own distinctive style and i'm fine with that even though my drawings aren't that great. let's say someone begins to draw like me.. in almost exactly the same way.. now i can't blame her, can i? millions of people in the world, what are the chances that you alone are unique? well so not only does she draw uncannily alike.. i start to think she's better at it than me. so i lay my pencil down and call it quits. that just makes me a quitter huh. the truth is.. i'm a proud pieceofshit. i know that. i'm trying to work on the proud bit. but it's still there, it's somehow a fundamental part of me. so. any game that i play.. if it's a game that i especially like.. i'd rather not play than to play second fiddle. yes i've accepted that i'll always play second fiddle to another in terms of academics, whatever. but in the area of interest, i can prevent that. i can stop playing. right?
someone [ i can't remember who] said, it's all a game to you, isn't it? love's a game. romance is a game. i overuse that word huh. has it ever occured to you.. the more i attempt to casualise something.. the more it actually means to me? love's a game, in some way. i dare, dare you to love me. sometimes i feel like i'm daring myself to love you. it takes guts to love you know. it really does. makes you vulnerable. makes you look stupid sometimes. and then there's that game we proud ones play. the one where we try to keep the ball in our court. does this sound familiar? 'i don't want to be the first to call / msg / say hi' it does? well you're just trying to keep the ball in your court, aren't you? keep your pride. yes, that hateful word. don't want to be the dependant one, the one who loves more, needs more. yes. we are all proud.
what was the point of saying all that? nothing, actually.
i made a promise to myself once that i'll never say anything i don't mean. it gets harder to keep as years go by, because i forget what i say [honestly. like all those vows? well tell me about them a day after i've made them, and i'll go, eh?? since when?? yeah. goldfish memory] and sometimes i just change my mind. or heart.
but this is something i mean to keep. and it's pretty easy to remember. i'll never say ' i love you' if i don't mean it. because if love can end, then it never really began. maybe we aren't talking now. maybe we'll stop talking soon. hell, maybe we've already stopped. but it doesn't mean i don't love you anymore, or will stop or have stopped. it just means that life's a river and it keeps on flowing, and sometimes we float /swim [depending on personality] down different streams. [is my geog all wrong? whatever you get the idea]. but it doesn't mean that love stops because forever is simply as long as the heart lets it be. and i guess my heart's less forgetful than my brain.
it must've been love.
10:00 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, July 5
forced myself to take a nap when i got home after history because i was so looking forward to it. funnily enough, i couldn't get to sleep. brain was screaming history! arghh. mr ngoi just mgsed telling me to pass up my hwk before chinese bt. whoops. i don't know where my file /hwk / whatever is anymore.
thought of something bev, serene and i were talking about yesterday. yes i know my brain is a bit laggy, i only fully process thoughts some time after conversations. for one, people who can't stand me verbalising ideas and label me as crappy can avoid torture. for another.. it just happens. anyway, we were discussing my romantic prospects [
why does this topic always come out?? are you
that convinced i am fated to be sad and alone all my life??] and bev was agreeing with siti and serene that i should just accept whatever idiot goes after me because the poor fellow would have to be incredibly gutsy to put up with my verbal abuse, scorn and well generally he'd have to be thickskinned. and i can't remember how that linked to this, but serene said i'm actually happy to be unique *cough* strange.
actually. that's sort of true. i mean, as happy as i get when i find someone who's wild over my kind of music, likes reading and daydreaming and well listening to fantastic music.. i've also gotten somewhat used to not being understood in every single aspect. i mean, how often do you find someone who's an exact replica of yourself? i used to think my soulmate would have to be exactly like me to understand me.. but i find that's no longer true. one can understand or at least accept and uphold an aspect of someone else without having it. that's love. in fact, if i got together with someone who's exactly as crappy and moody as me, we'd probably kill each other. besides.. if i'm so replacable.. so expandable.. then i'll just have to kill
myself. i don't want to be like my sister anymore. it's too hard, it's just not coded for in my dna even though it is in hers. but.. to find someone exactly like me.. thinks like me, feels like me, writes like me, talks like me,
is me.. that would be hard to swallow. i've come to believe that there will always be a mountain higher than another, that i will always play second fiddle to another. but to play second fiddle to someone else at being me..
identity crisis.
a.i. is still in my head. keep remembering the way he cried 'mommy mommy mommy' and ran to hug her.. and i keep wondering why the robots seemed so real, if they couldn't love. in fact, i think the movie portrays them as too human to be mere mechas. the way the woman mecha held on to david.. the way she held his hand.. her smile of encouragement as they poured hot oil over her.. isn't that love?
chris called the other night from aust just to let me listen to 5 mins worth of song. hahahha that was so surreal. thankyouuuuu for being the beautiful, wonderful, vivacious girl you are. =D
i'm not studying for lit because i can't find my notes and anyway there are too many stacks of paper to read. i think i'll just hunt for my chinese hwk to do between papers.
how can i not love you?
what do i tell my heart, when i do not want you here in my heart?
how does one walk away from all of the memories?
how do i not miss you when you are gone?
- how can i not love you, from anna and the king.
it must've been love.
6:08 pm
xoxo
Sunday, July 3
just watched artificial intelligence. missed the first bit. thank goodness or i wouldn't just be tearing, i'd be bawling my damned eyes out.
what is wrong with me??? i think i've cried more in the past 6 months than i did the whole of secondary school put together. then again i think i controlled my tears better then. ah to hell with it. i'm a girl, i can cry. it was just so sad. i can't think of any other word. my brain is still a bit overwhelmed. i think my sister wanted to throw me out of the window cos i kept bugging her during the commercial breaks about why david couldn't cut his mother's hair and why he kept saying teddy wasn't a real boy and all the terribly in-your-face symbolism that i happen to dig. ah well.
i have not started studying for history paper 3!! arghhhhhhhhhh. so much for having the whole weekend! i am a useless bum! i will now get offline and stop being a useless bum! i will become.. a bum! semi-useless. i will not think about shows. i will not think about certain things. and i will not fall asleep.
my cap teacher just called my house. how smart. my sister picked up the phone, with the tv blaring in the background. and she's a little bit hard of hearing. and he's very soft spoken. apparently she said 'huh??' and 'pardon?' and 'sorry?' about 3 times. sigh. then she yelled for me and i clomped down the stairs yelling, 'why is the phone downstairs??' before i realised it was my teacher. ah there goes my demure, soft spoken, reserved image. she asked if he's gay. i said i've seen him wear a wedding ring, but maybe gay marriages are now allowed. i am compelled to mention that while most gays speak well, sometimes you get male english teachers as well!
i just re-discovered what my chinese name means. yun means rhyme. ling has vague connections with feminine things that are exquisite, delicate, etc. bah.
it must've been love.
9:54 pm
xoxo
today started off quite badly. was woken at 830 in the bloody morning by an sms from my father telling me my mother was in hospital. i leapt out of bed. do not ever try this as a prank. it might lead to a heart attack. galloped down the stairs [ i swear i rarely move that fast, least of all
down stairs] and shoved the phone at my sister over the banister. called my father from the house phone only to learn that they were still waiting for the surgeon to arrive. i'm still not too sure exactly happened but they've decided to let it heal by itself instead of undergoing surgery, and she'll be home tomorrow. i was feeling kind of guilty cos i didn't suggest going to the doctor yesterday when she was feeling unwell. then again if she'd taken up my suggestion of going for foot reflexology [for someone who isn't very eloquent in her mother tongue, i have great faith in the abilities of chinese doctors / foot reflexology people] they'd probably have told her exactly what was wrong. ah well. my family is very unlucky. every now and then someone gets rushed to hospital or gets told she has some incurable condition. this is not the time to tell my parents that i'm out of painkillers again.
so i didn't get the chance to practice the song for today. the result is predictable. i wonder why the kids even put up with my bad playing. i played so many wrong notes!!! arghhhhh. was a bit unnerved to boot.
walked around westmall after church. it's become one of my habits to walk around heartland shopping centres on sunday afternoons by myself. it helps me think things over. sometimes i go to lot1 or causeway point. and sniff everything at the body shop, read all the labels and imagine that all that stuff actually works. and i don't know how it helps me think, but it does. it helps that if i want to go to town after church, i have to sit on the mrt for very long [almost an hour?] and either read or stare out of the window, occassionally catching a glimpse of my own reflection. and somehow, i like being alone for at least an hour after church. then i'll come home, have a nice relaxing shower and read the papers. shit i sound like some grandfather. but can you just imagine enduring week after week of endless buzz? even if i have homework or studying to do, i still make it a point to read the papers and relax until almost dinnertime. it's worth it. really. go try. =D sunday is also the only day of the week that i bother moisturising anymore. maybe that's why my legs are grossly dry. ah well i guess i should date on mondays in the future haha.
just read aman's blog. she's starting to like her class. that's nice. she mentioned something. everything is about perspective. that's true. i found myself wondering.. if i allow myself to get used to this hole, maybe i'll be happier. maybe if i stop comparing everything that used to be with what now is, maybe i'll stop turning back to yesteryear. but you see, for that to happen, i've got to forget the past. in order to accept the present, i've got to let go of my past happiness, that warmth, that sense of belonging and knowing what and who i am. and i'm just not sure i'm ready to give all that up. for what, one and a half years' of acceptance? i just, just can't bring myself to. how do i explain this.. it's not that people in better schools are smarter or more accomplished or more capable of caring. in fact, i'm starting to think the reverse is true. i think back to primary school days, when i was in one of the worst classes in a fairly good school, and how the top classes had nothing to do with us. and how wild we were. then i think about st. marg's. let's be honest, it's far from being a top school despite all the value added awards etc. but in terms of a nuturing environment and that whole sense of family spirit.. my sister never had that in rgs. i can't stand most of the nanyang girls i know, because most of them seem bent on destroying others in order to climb to the top. just ask girls from other jcs. so really 'brains' don't say much. they're probably closet muggers or something. i know God allowed me to stay in hc for a reason. every time something happens, i think, ah hah! this is the reason why. reasons like allowing me to pull strings to steal zinc plates for ae. being nearby enough to come back and help. and maybe.. learning that life is just gonna get harder and harder. maybe there's another reason i've yet to find. one thing is for sure. i'm going to keep searching for that reason until i find it or until it comes to me. because God couldn't have made a mistake. less than 1 1/2 years more.. i'm 1/4 way through.. soon i'll leave all this behind me forever. when i'm through with jc, i'm going to forget completely what it was like. my last memory will be of secondary school. i mean to wipe two years from my brain.
it must've been love.
2:44 pm
xoxo
Saturday, July 2
shit i wrote a lot of sentimental crap and i got disconnected as i was saving it and now i think i'm going to swear.
:(
basically i was grumbling about everyone falling in love except me.
inclusive of anastasia, who got dimitri aka The Cute Guy With Floppy Hair.
watching that movie made me want to either: a. sing and dance around because love is beeeeeeyoutiful, or b. call someone to gush over the above, or c. cry because i just feel like doing it.
blame it on the hormones. by the way, chris, ever since you left months ago, my cycle's been outta whack. i think you've gotta come back, i can't plan swimming outings anymore :(
i realise i can blame everything on the hormones. a month ago i was grumbling about dying alone, unloved and single. but that can't be right since my cycle's a bit off. oh well. nevermind. i wish i could just calllll someone to talk but everyone's MIA. for some vaguely unknown reason.
i still have not started studying. *feels a bout of mild panic that does not accelerate into frantic studying* i think i'm so bored, i'll actually practice the song i'm playing in church tmr. i know, i know, i know i'm going to regret not studying. hell i go through this with every single paper, has it ever improved my self discipline?
okay. i must improve my self control. i will not snack tomorrow, and i will start studying at.. erh. 10 pm!! tonight!!!
and i will not sigh wistfully and dream of fairytale endings that obviously belong in fairytales, damnit! siti and serene claimed i'm so intimidating, i should just go with any guy who gathers enough guts to ask me out. i think i almost laughed
my guts out, thinking about the
one male loser who's ever dared to even hint at such, and the way i laughed in
his face. serene and siti: apply that to yourselves please, not me. i'm on my way to being a nun. =D and i am not intimidating. even though apparently i scared bo xin with my 'there is no such word as a dateline and receipt committees do not exist' routine yesterday hahahha i didn't do it on purpose!! it just bothered me!
there i'm in a better mood already =D damn the hormones. here's a cute song. ' it's not just make believe'. from ella enchanted.
Hey yeah ohhh yeah ohh yeah yeah yeahI thought that I was too old to believe in fairy talesBut there's a letter from you waitin' when I check my mailI start to shakin' like a 7 on the Richter scale when you say you love meLook in the mirror and I'm not who I used to be at allIt's coming clearerI'm Cinderella at the ball I'm Alice growing 10 feet tall It's not just make believeHere comes the prince's kiss, I'm positive the slipper fitsIt's not just make believeIt started out like just another ordinary day Now suddenly my life is different in every wayThe sun is brighter and the happiness is here to stayIt's like I'm dreamingThank you for showing me that true love doesn't hurt when you fallYou got me glowing I'm Cinderella at the ball I'm Alice growing 10 feet tallIt's not just make believeIt's finally happening, I feel so good I gotta singIt's not just make believeI'm Ariel above the sea, I'm Beauty dancin' with the BeastIt's not just make believeHere comes the prince's kiss I'm positive the slipper fitsIt's not just make believe
it must've been love.
8:22 pm
xoxo
shit it's 530 already, and i still haven't done anything since the math paper yesterday. why's it so hard to get back into the swing of things? wait. what swing? heh. i've done everything else that can wait - hunted high and low for a first draft crafted over math formulae [still unfound, but i guess i don't need it], ate more than i should confess, read two magazines, made a pot of tea and burned a cd.
and i can't even call anyone out to mug :( not even my sister :( who is very motivating although damaging with regards to my self esteem :( because everyone is celebrating the end of their papers :( and for some inexplicable reason,
i just don't feel like studying. hell, i never do, do i? bloody headache :( if i whine to my mum, she'll say it's cos i've been doing nothing but bumming around reading and chatting online. which is quite true.
staring at my uniform hanging on the wardrobe handle, i realise afresh that it doesn't match the colour scheme of my room at all! not that i'm that fond of green - that's just the colour i got stuck with because she wanted blue. but at least my uniform used to match! now it's so out-of-place i'm almost tempted to hang it
inside the wardrobe for a change. which is highly impractical but less painful to my aesthetic side. speaking of which, i suspect my mother likes brown and dirty green. the pencil case and bag she bought me match. :( the pencil case is nice and furry and matches my uniform, and the bag is useful [pretty bags tend to fall apart, or maybe i whack them around too much] but i feel i'm losing my pretty-coloured side. :( oh well, at least my eyore phone pouch is a pretty blue! =D even if it doesn't match my uniform.
all right, bimbotic side has been purged from me temporarily.
did you know ally is a very good poet? she's so much better than me i believe i am going to stop writing. ally, you should've joined cap, not me! you idiot, you refused to be convinced earlier in the year. well i don't care whether or not you're convinced now, just stop denying you're better than me or i'll box your ears and stomp off in a huff. hahahhaa.
reading 'the hell with love'. one does not need to be heartbroken to read that. and i don't need to be heartbroken to say,
the hell with love.
it must've been love.
5:31 pm
xoxo
Friday, July 1
you piece of shityes that's my new name haha courtesy of serene oh. can you believe siti, serene and i spent 11plus am to 10pm together?? and except for the 1 1/2 hours that we were doing testwork, the entire time was spent talking. yes, talking. and about such random things. hahahahha oh shit i knew it'd be a good idea to go down for guides even though it's the exam period. how do i say this without sounding all soppy.. well to hell with sop, maybe i'll just say it anyway. you're my inspiration. =D all of you. plc 03/04, and all my friends from 4/6 etc. my mood's so much lighter than it's been for weeks. =D hee.
told them about my theory that black is the most beautiful colour. let me try to be coherent about this. it's striking, yet fades easily into the background. it both absorbs and radiates incredible amounts of heat. it's understatedly fashionable, which is an oxymoron in itself. and what strikes me the most - it's really just every single shade of colour in the world, mixed together. so really, while it appears dull and dreary.. it hides every beauty the world has. and i guess that sort of beauty's more appealing in its own way. you can get tired of in-your-face beauty. but inner beauty.. the kind that shines through most unexpectedly.. now that is worth looking out for.
i had a sudden urge to sing in the middle of math today. well i did 11 questions in 2 hours, and by the 12th i had this sudden impulse to burst into song.. and the impulse was so strong i had to bite my tongue so that i wouldn't open my mouth, croak and get tossed out for being disruptive during an exam. misread qn 13, spent about half an hour doing it wrongly and kinda gave up. counted all my marks [hey the paper's worth 100 marks! i counted!] and twiddled my thumbs until i realised i DID know how to do that question, but i was left with 15 mins. oh well.
been thinking a lot recently. heh like that's something new. i kind of admire jean for something. the ability to just space out. as in really, space out. when i space out or stone, my mind isn't empty. half the time i'm daydreaming out things that cannot be, and the other half i'm wondering about life's meaning etc.
remember when we were learning about the heart in sec3 and mrs wong made us do that pumping motion with our hands? and how it got tired after a few minutes, and she said we should really admire our hearts for being so strong? imagine if our hearts got tired, she said. well. i wonder why brains can feel tired, when they don't move at all.
my computer still refuses to play my songs. i want to strangle it. strangling is the most intimate way to kill. hahahahhahahahhaha. ever tried to strangle yourself? it's humanly impossible. just try it, you'll see what i mean. by the time you cut off your oxygen, you don't have the strength to squeeze your throat harder.
i realise how horribly masochistic that sounded. just to clarify, i'm not masochistic. nor sadistic. i guess i shouldn't try to explain any further.
oh well. la la la i survived the week -barely. God will make a way.
it must've been love.
10:17 pm
xoxo
